My worldly perceptions

Happy New Year... Heri ya Mwaka mpya na kwaheri 2009

2009-12-31T22:30:00.003+02:00

Today I would like to share this poem written in Swahili by a talented young man studying in Turkey. An Eulogy to 2009.

NAONDOKA!
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> Shairi naliandika, Natumai mko poa
> Izraili amefika, Roho yangu kuitoa
> Mwito kifo naitika, Meshindwa kujiokoa
> Hata hivyo yote tisa, Kumi mie naondoka
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> Ni miezi na masiku, Nami nimevumilia
> Nakumbuka ile siku, Nilipo waingilia
> Tena mida ya usiku, Nyote mkasubiria
> Hata hivyo yote tisa, Kumi mie naondoka
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> Saa zenu kwa pamoja, MlifUata akrabu
> Kwa sekunde mojamoja,Mkaweza kuhesabu
> Nne tatu mbili moja, Mkanambia karibu
> Hata hivyo yote tisa, Kumi mie naondoka
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> Hoye mkafurahia, Kwa shangwe mkanilaki
> Tena mkashangilia, Mukawasha mafataki
> Kwa masoda na mabia, Hakuna kilichobaki
> Hata hivyo yote tisa, Kumi mie naondoka
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> Awali mlinipenda, Na wala hamukugomba
> Elfu mbili na kenda,Kwenu ni mgeni bomba
> Ili nisiweze kwenda, Kukicha mkaniomba
> Hata hivyo yote tisa, Kumi mie naondoka
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> Tumekuwa marafiki, Wa kufa na kuzikana
> Tulogawana riziki, Wala hatukunyimana
> Hasa wakati wa dhiki,Daima tulifaana
> Hata hivyo yote tisa, Kumi mie naondoka
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> Vipi leo mwachukia, Kunilani kwa matusi
> Tangu nilipoingia, Ni mafua na virusi
> Mwatamani nifukia, Mpate ondoa nuksi
> Hata hivyo yote tisa, Kumi mie naondoka
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> Serikali zalalama, Mgeni mie sifai
> Uchumi umeshazama, Benki zinawadai
> Bidhaa zote gharama, Mpaka mumenikinai
> Hata hivyo yote tisa, Kumi mie naondoka
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> Namaliza msafara, Nilikuwa tu mgeni
> Mliopata madhara, Mtapata afueni
> Mliokula hasara, Nasema tena poleni
> Hata hivyo yote tisa, Kumi mie naondoka
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> Hivi sasa nawatoka, Bora tu niwaacheni
> Kuwa nanyi nimechoka,Kwaheri nawaageni
> Sina budi kuchomoka, Yupo mwengine mgeni
> Hata hivyo yote tisa, Kumi roho yanitoka
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> Mpokeeni mwenzangu, Anayefanana nami
> Jina lake kama langu,Elfu mbili na kumi
> Tabia ni kama zangu, Msimpige mangumi
> Hata hivyo yote tisa, Kumi roho yanitoka
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> Kiumri nimemzidi, Hawezi kutabirika
> Basi namujitahidi, Kabla yeye kufika
> Mabadiliko yabidi, Msije kuathirika
> Hata hivyo yote tisa, Kumi roho ishatoka
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> HAMZA A. MOHAMMED a.k.a 2009
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New Hope

2009-09-28T17:10:00.004+03:00

The month of September denotes a new season of uncertainty for graduate doctors as well to fourth year medical students. It's the month were we collectively apply via the Internet using ERAS application program for residency training of our choice at medical programs across America. There is alot of time spent to research programs,collecting letters of recommendations and the most demanding is the soul searching, mind boggling time spent writing up personal statements to express your attributes, aspirations and why they need you ... the better you present yourself in the PS the better it may act as an advocate for you to get the golden prize that being An invitation. I personally found writing the PS was the most demanding mostly because I come from a culture were we don't sing our praises, the more timid or considerate you are the better.

Once all your documents are uploaded by the system, you've filled out your online CV and CAF(Common Application form)and certify that what you have written is the truth you can officially apply to programs. Which poses another problem, how many programs can you afford to apply to? depending on the number of programs you apply to the cost differs. It's no cheap process and not for the faint hearted. Last year I applied to 61 programs I paid around $1200. This year Ive applied to Family medicine programs and Internal medicine programs total of 61 programs I spent $675, price got split because I applied to different fields of medicine but in the end it's still alot of money. I haven't added the costs for the token, USMLE transcript, NRMP .... which is approx $200.

After making the payment and pressing the SUBMIT BUTTON that's when all the fun begins. You check your Inbox twice or thrice daily, check your cellphone frequently you don't want to miss that phone call from a program coordinator. You check online forums frequently to know which programs have sent invitations and rejections while your inbox is dry. You read forum members comments regarding phone Interviews gone bad and sympathise with them as they receive the rejection. You read about people getting rejections because they applied to programs which don't offer visas but on the programs website such information isn't posted. To be honest apart from being stressful it's also been a humbling experience. I still haven't heard from most of the programs Ive applied to but I'm grateful Ive received my first Interview which has given me hope in the system. There is still time to hear from others.

PS.Would like to share an article created by usmlepatient on USMLEFORUM regarding this years match and the way we feel aka the Match 2010 syndrome. Enjoy!!

MATCH 2010 SYNDROME
Frustration with Malignant hypertension and excessively raised Intracranial tension. Frequent palpitations with occasional skipped beats. Unresponsive to therapy.

Associated symptoms: Lack of concentration, hyperphagia (I wish anorexia would be a symptom), mood swings, feeling of guilt, (no suicidal ideation....!)
Excessively peeping into "2010 match" community and not to mention the number of times opening 'My ERAS' for new messages. Occasional night terrors.

Associated risk factors: Step 3 in the very near future.

Aggravating factors : Rejections. Lots of IV calls for fellow IMGs...that too with same creds.
Alleviating factors : at least acknowledgements.

Defenses employed: Denial and rationalization after seeing the rejections. Introjection after seeing IV calls for the fellow IMGs.

Vitals : seemingly normal.
General examination : the patient is disheveled , unkempt and a bit agitated.
Execessively drowsy (even after daily long sleeping hours).

Management:
High doses of IV calls for induction.
Good interview performances for maintenance.
and a Prematch for remission.

Innate immunity : Being an American med graduate.

Acquired Immunity

Active immunity : a)naturally acquired - by doing some USCE
b)artificially acquired - by having some contacts.

Passive immunity : a) naturally acquired - Green card or Citizenship
b) artificially acquired - no more than sheer luck.

P.S. chances of relapse at the time of getting into a fellowship.

Eid Mubarak

2009-08-27T20:00:00.001+03:00

Ramadhan Kariim

2009-08-25T04:07:00.003+03:00

I received this poem in Swahili and I would like to share it as it reflects on Ramadan. I wish everyone a Ramadhan Makbul.

YA RABBI UTUNUSURU

Ninaanza kwa salamu, Baraka nizifaidi
Nashika yangu kalamu,Kusema imenibidi
Enyi ndugu isilamu, Umati wa Muhamadi
Ya Rabbi utunusuru, Pepo tusijeikosa

Mikono naifungua, Na kwa moyo mkunjufu
Mgeni ameshatua, Mwezi mwema mtukufu
Naupokea kwa dua, Na furaha sufu sufu
Ya Rabbi utunusuru, Pepo tusijeikosa

Mwaka huu mtihani, Si rahisi ni mgumu
Kuifunga Ramadhani,Mchana kutwa saumu
Kwa kweli sio utani,Yapaswa kujilazimu
Ya Rabbi utunusuru, Pepo tusijeikosa

Daku msilisahau, Mkatafuna vitende
Ugali au pilau, Msipokula ni mbinde
Mujipige angalau,Saumu isiwashinde
Ya Rabbi utunusuru, Pepo tusijeikosa

Mchana jua ni kali, Lazima kuvumilia
Magharibi nayo mbali,Adhana kusubiria
Ukahisi huna hali, Na ari kukuishia
Ya Rabbi utunusuru, Pepo tusijeikosa

Sio matumbo pekee, Nafsi pia fungani
Macho msikodolee, Maovu kuyatamani
Ubora ni mtembee, Mkitazama angani
Ya Rabbi utunusuru, Pepo tusijeikosa

Tena nchi za ulaya, Mazingira ni hatari
Watu wamekosa haya, Kwa kupenda ufahari
Tabia zao ni mbaya, Kwao kufunga hiari
Ya Rabbi utunusuru, Pepo tusijeikosa

Hiyo miji ya likizo, Msimu wa kiangazi
Ndio kuna matatizo, Wanawake wote wazi
Kuvaa sio kigezo, Vimini ndio mavazi
Ya Rabbi utunusuru, Pepo tusijeikosa

Tumuombe Maulana, Ya Allah ya Karimu
Tusijeipata lana, Kwa mambo yaso muhimu
Tutendeni ya maana, Isitupate hukumu
Ya Rabbi utunusuru, Pepo tusijeikosa

Tamati nimefikia, Imepita alasiri
Magharibi meingia, Namalizia shairi
Wenzangu nawakimbia,Nenda tafuta futari
Ya Rabbi utunusuru, Pepo tusijeikosa

by Hamza A. Mohammed

The Match is over. Starting from square one again

2009-03-18T20:40:00.008+02:00

So, as I predicted 2008 will be a year of challenges. Sure was in every aspect !! I did get to to pass my exams on first attempt though not as well as I had anticipated. Travelled to Chicago to do my cs exam and enjoyed a few days seeing the attractions of the city. Applied for the residency match on time and got to volunteer with local doctors. It was a tough year but rewarding in its own way. Learnt more on my limitations and developed new strengths. Made some good friends through this trial and got time to volunteer with the community and play an active role. I'm human so I am a bit disappointed that I didn't get to Match into an Internal Med or Family Med residency program but believe if I put some more effort in it...try some new venues e.g research God willing I will match next year.

Health wise except from a bad flu I picked up from NYC trip I was healthy as a horse, Mashallah. Been working out and dieting managed to lose the extra pounds I added while studying. I still love my chocolates but there is no harm with treats,, now and then !!! Having fun with cooking... been bedazzling friends with my talent. Hope I can keep it. I miss alot of things especially food and I try to fusion the different cultural experiences I have had and create a taster recipe. I love my Swahili-Turkish-Indian-Somali-western infused creations... there is so much you can make in the kitchen. And there is so much more to learn if only I had the extra time...

Friendship and relationships have prospered. Learnt alot from others and shared what I knew or had experienced. Ive learnt more of my own temperament and how I relate to others. Ive come to know who are my real friends and I appreciate who they are. As for my "false" friends I pray they will have patience and learn that giving or helping others isn't so hard. In life we all go through stages of giving or taking, life is dynamic we are supposed to adapt and change with the course. And make the most of the challenges we face either good or bad but still holding true to our core ideals and integrity. One idiom which has rung true to my trials and tribulations has been "actions speak more than words". It has helped me to differentiate friends from acquaintances.

I still managed to travel and have some fun :) Wonder where I will go next? Its always nice to get out of the routine and appreciate nature or the man made beauty around you. Experienced the tastes and flavors of pumpkins at the 101st Circleville Pumpkin festival, enjoyed the view from Sears towers and from the top of the rock, had some great pizza in NYC, enjoyed the beauty of African sunset in Tanga & the busy streets with bicycles . Enjoyed the walks in the various parks in Columbus in fall and the beautiful picturesque change of the seasons. Winter as usual was cold and white but beautiful in its own unique way. And now we are in spring again can hear the chirping of birds all around me. Life is beautiful... there is so much to see and experience. I'm grateful to be alive and breathing. Thank you God, I will be patient, I know you have greater plans for me. After pain and tribulations comes ease. I will actively try to achieve it. Amin.

A little reminder of Home... Taarabu Music Titled Najiamini - I beleive or trust in myself.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IEIa-b5qpeo

Enjoy!!!

A New Era

2008-11-06T00:19:00.005+02:00

Times have changed a new wave of hope has crossed the world, again. The first time I felt this way was after Nelson Mandela's release when he visited Tanzania. I was still in primary school we were mobilised with our teachers to head to Ocean Road near the white house in Dar es salaam thousand of school children, myself clad in my blue and white school uniform waiting to see the Noble man, a son of Africa who fought an apartheid system for equality for all. I remember the excitement, the pushing and shoving just to get a glimpse of Nelson Mandela when he passed in the motorcade waving at us, free atlast. The tears flowing down our eyes, waving back franticlly, the singing and clapping;the euphoria was overwhelming. A new Beacon of hope for fellow African's and especially for South Africa and a living proof that facing adversity, determination and fighting for justice was a noble cause. A lesson alot of us learnt and wanted to hear more off, stories of our brothers and sisters in South Africa, how did he survive in seclusion and how the New South Africa will forgive their past and reconcile as a Nation. And the rest is History.

Yesterday, again I re-lived that moment. A son of a Kenyan father, the first AfroAmerican was elected by the people of America to hold the highest position in office in the western world. I am used of the Idea of seeing African presidents leading but this was different because the history was occuring in America and not the African continent. More than 200 years history after abolishment of slavery and 40 something years of the Civil right movement the first man of colour was heavily elected by the people to rule the people with a total of 137 million votes !!!. Atlast, the spell was broken . It wasnt a question of luck, he too, Barack Hussein Obama was determined, faced adversity, bet the odds and laid down a plan to succeed. His excellent grassroot networking, his vision in pushing a positive theme energized people to fight for change in unity for the better good of the nation.

I am lucky to be in America to see the unfolding of the election process the primaries, nomination and later the presidential election. I learnt alot of the American people, the media effect and the uniqueness of the contestants running . I have experienced how politics was practised back home and in Turkey. There was a stark difference for once I saw transparency, honesty, integrity ... not the usual hoodwinking and making the people feel as fools, people of affluence lost their footing and lost, good speeches were delivered and an genuine effort to include the people into decision making. The Obama's movement will definitely be taken as a role model by other nations especially with the efficient usage of technology, committed community work and the grassroot fundraising. And most importantly committing themselves to their message, uniting the people and not going negative which would have been the easiest way to do. I admire the foresight in establishing this system and which later brought about the realisation of the dream.

Elected President Obama has a tough job awaiting him as we all well know. May God help him be a healer and give him the strength do his job well . I strongly beleive he will play his A game. I pray that the world and America will be patient with him so that we can all overcome. And let peace, global stability and prosperity prevail again.

Mungu Akubariki

2008 and 1428 buyrun,welcome!!!

2007-12-31T20:28:00.000+02:00

Recently Ive been in a coccoon keeping my thoughts to myself. Ive currently relocated to Columbus Ohio. And Ive started to study seriously for my licensure exams intend to do my first exam, the USMLE step 1 in march inshallah. Im taking things slowly this time juggling with my books t home or barnes & nobles or public library, visiting mosques, the occasional shopping and going to the movies or visiting galleries.

2007 has been an exciting year for me, got my african medical experience , met incredible people and heard their stories, met my better half, had wonderful holidays at home(Arusha, moshi,zanzibar, Dar es salaam, Tanga and also neighbouring Nairobi(kenya)) . Travelled and met relatives (Abudhabi -UAE, London, Southampton, Northampton, Milton Keynes Uk and Toronto, Ottawa, Niagara falls Ca) and now in the states in pursuit to fulfil a dream Inshallah; to gain my postgraduate education

My 2008 forecast

I see myself more positive,healthier, happier and religiously more grounded. Passing all my 3 exams and Inshallah getting some good interviews at recognisable medical institutes. I miss treating patients but Ive still got to do some observerships/USCE that will be sometime in the middle of the year, so thats something Im looking forward to. Inshort 2008 Inshallah will be my year of personal growth where my strength and weakness will be tested to the maximum especially academically to place me for the 2009 match.

2008 will also be a very long year in comparison to the Islamic calendar. Today is 21st dhul hijjah 1428, dhulhijjah is last month in the Muslim calendar and we will be celebrating our new year soon on the 10th of January Inshallah. Also as we base our calendar on the moon sightings this year is a leap year so we will live through 1429 and also 1430, as the new Islamic year is estimated to commence on the 29th of Dec 2008. Amazing, having to celebrate 3 new years while still in 2008. Subhanallah.God is Great!

Mt.Kilimanjaro seen from Moshi, Tanzania -a view I used to wake upto.

Happy new year!!! Peace on earth.

Salaam

2007-06-22T20:25:00.000+03:00

Salaam means peace, Asalaam aleykum - I wish you peace. Ive been away for so long feels like eternity. Reading my thoughts of the past brings good memories and also amazement. Did I really write that? In this last 1yr Ive been writing-phobic if such words exists. Grown more and more verbal than usual. I had expectations when I left for home some of them with time became a reality and a majority didnt work out as I anticipated. I learnt alot; great hands on experience, bonding with people regardless of their religious or social ties, compassion though I also lost myself inthe day to day slavery. The idea of me, my needs, my existance was being erased slowly and totally in such away I wanted out. Away from work, away from this world and the never ending wants, I needed time for "me". A 2 week holiday to Zanzibar saved me, I almost had a nervous break down. At the beach house, I would sit and watch the changing tides, the dawn and sunset, children play. I enjoyed the evening and morning walks barefooted on white sand which could take 1 to 3 hours long with a family member or alone. I could sleep with the sound of the waves crushing the shore and the beautiful sounds of the coconut trees swaying to the breezes. I am grateful noone was dependant on me, I could do what I willed. I had the best of fruits, seafood and company. Also a small collection of magazines and novels to divert my thoughts. I learnt to play Bao for the fun of it, ah, the child in me was allowed to play again. My life needed this simplicity and serinity and my body needed to rejuvenate. Those two weeks were like 2 months to me, I put on weight, felt good and got a tan; most importantly I was in peace again with myself, the environment and my Creator. I was ready to go to work, finish what I have started and be me the ever so positive person.

I completed my contract and left with anger and resentment again. Bureacrasy wins again, my papers werent completed. After 3 weeks of dillydallying things werent rolling, truth is they didnt want me to leave. Still dont, "you should do your postgrad now I will vauch for you personally" and other promises. I instead have other plans would like to go to greener shores again and do my postgraduate there, then consider giving help back home or anywhere in Africa. If my plans fail after 2years of effort I may change my mind. Postgraduate back home is poorly on academics, you work as a laborer for example 102 patients can attend clinics on a day once I single handedly saw 35 patients from 9am to 430pm I was exhausted. still had a smile and kind word to say to them and the night call was still awaiting me. The living standards are still unsatisfactory and the pay unrewarding. And there are so many unnecessary frustration.

Im currently at home giving my father company.Though he complains I talk alot these days. I still havent got my papers but Im recupareting and thanking God Ive still got my head screwed on and wired properly. I will go back to get the document but as for now Im planning for new adventures and beginnings which are keeping me busy. Though I miss my patients and friends dearly. I miss the social talks we had as they were my real family, they made life bearable and made me understand that my efforts even if it meant a smile during the rounds was appreciated.

I also miss seeing the Kilimanjaro every morning and the calmness of surroundings in Moshi.

As God said in every beginning there is an ending. Mine for now has ended a new one has begun.
Fiamanillah.

Holiday season

2006-01-08T12:29:00.000+02:00

Greetings

Been a while since I last posted trying to keep myself busy. Im still stuck in Turkey(.. hence the not so jovial mood) this time I cant do anything about it. Just got be patient and sane. Its not that I havent had a break had some few weeks off, visited Istanbul and also historial sites places like Ephesus,Selcuk had a great time really. The waiting game kills the spirit especially as the paperwork never seem to end. New year, came by was indoors made myself a cuppa of salep (tasty turkish drink added with a dash of cinammon) watched Tv and chatted with family n freinds online.There is nothing much to do these days as all my classmates arent around.

And now Eid ul Adha is around the corner. I had anticipated to spend it with my family but isnt the case. So going to spend it with my fellow African students have our little get to gether. Visit some Turkish families and call it a day. Well at this end, the coming of Eid also signifies an official holiday all the schools and businesses are closed for a week or more. So far heard going to be 9 days break. Implying have more time on my hands. Promised myself to hit the books again to keep myself focused and preoccupied. Inshallah pray before February to be on a plane and land home. Amin.

Wishing you all a happy Eid Mubarak. Promised myself to enjoy it, God willing. Hope you enjoy yours too.

May Allaah (Subhaanahu wa Ta'aala) accept all our worship for His Sake, and may He further bless us all with forgiveness and adherence to the Qur.aan and the authentic Sunnah.
Amin

Atlast...

2005-12-08T21:39:00.000+02:00

Alhamdullilah, Today came to the end of the road and an opportunity for a new beginning. Yep, officially considered as a Dr. now. Coming Tuesday, will be given my 4 digit numbers. Cant beleive how the years passed by fast and the ordeals we went through. All for a good cause, alhamdullilah. Well time has come to take our responsibilities more seriously and live up to the oath we took. Inshallah kheir, to a new beginning, new cases to tackle and a different lifestyle.
The topping to the cake was this card a dear friend sent, full of kind words and a prayer. Te$ekkurler karde$im.

^^^Amin, I pray I wont let you, my teachers and those whose lives Ive been entrusted with down. Mungu akuweke na akujalie kila la kheir.
Fiamanillah.

Wake up, suddenly your in .....

2005-11-27T17:13:00.000+02:00

A perfect morning, the sun out shinning, waking up with such a view. Ol Billy Oceans song came to mind, wake up suddenly your in Love. Beautiful way to start and was a beautiful and productive day. A nice day to forget my worries and fears.
Received an e-mail yesterday evening abo had another robbery actually two. Anyway this one with a twist, an occupant was threatened with a machete, "make a squeek your a goner". What we coming too?? Ah, life maybe tough but robbery isnt the way to go, to do a wrong right? Soon I will have to accept this possible ingredients of life. Where fear and terror can invade your life and give it a new dimension either for the good or bad. Called him, we talked he says he is fine, thats important. Looking forward to see him Inshallah in the best of health. Spoke with ma, she is fine.
Life is full of trials and tribulations, hope we dont fall short of the achievements we are supposed to acquire. Aint easy to brace yourself after unpleasant events. But one way or the other, youve got to get yourself together and appreciate being alive.Yes, alive and healthy a chance to pick up and move on and make a difference again. This time having learnt a lesson and promising not to forget it. Life sure is a rollercoaster.

Some heavenly comfort and advice,

*And surely, We shall try you till We test those who strive hard and As-Sabirin (the patient), and We shall test your facts (i.e., the one who is a liar, and the one who is truthful) (47:31)
*Who, when afflicted with calamity, say: "Truly, to Allah we belong and truly, to Him we shall return.''
*Who is he that will lend to Allah a goodly loan so that He may multiply it to him many times? Who would give a loan to He Who is neither poor nor unjust.He may multiply it to him many times And it is Allah that decreases or increases (your provisions), and unto Him you shall return.(2:245)

Fiamanillah.

Lost and found,

2005-11-26T16:40:00.000+02:00

Its been more than week since Ive taken the time to write down the thoughts cramed up in my head..What have I been upto, what stood out the most? From campus, we(me n my housemate) took took out the newbies to our favorite joint. Had some lovely lahmacun(turkish pizza),talked about school,their fears and gave the necessary advice. From there we left the juniors to go home, they had an exam the next friday needed to prepare themselves, we went shopping. Reached home, went to my bedroom changed into home gear, put the groceries and other stuff away realised I didnt have my cellphone. Question was have I misplaced it(in my bedroom while changing), lost it? or was it stolen? Remember at the busstand i received an sms. After that I couldnt recall. Well, in due time will be found. Came online a few freinds mentioned they have been calling my cell but Im not reachable. Searched my bedroom all over couldnt find it. Assumed that it was lost or my batteries were down. Told my sis, she teased me yeah youre abo also said due time you need to change it. Next morning did a thorough manhunt around the apt. nowhere to be found. Called my number not reachable. Later a friend informed me hey you received 2 sms from me, Im like what?No I didnt Ive lost my cell. Now this is strange, means someone has it. Called my number again, not reachable I was puzzled.
Spent saturday going out shopping with my hmate, went to buy a suitcase got 2 for a deal. Came home tired but happy. Spent the whole day in drizzling rain, It was a great feeling though. Felt like a scene in "Singing in the rain", found myself humming to it at times. Wonder why I was in a gay mood, was it the rain or was it coz I was outside, seeing people in action? The real world. Dunno.

Sunday, I got an offline message from a concerned freind, hey your telelphone is ringing but noones picking it up. I was even more suprised my hmate called my cellphone no. having concealled her ID and hey presto a guy picks up the phone. She tells him, that telephone belongs to my freind she lost it, the guy goes yeah. She talks with him for a while he provided his address and told us to pick it up!! Lucky me, that was a blessing things like that dont happen often. As we were invited to dinner by a classmate and his family, passed by and picked up my phone as it was just 3 blocks away then went to their place.
Had a great turkish dinner, started with Tarhana soup, then a bowl of manti with a side dish of salad and then white rice and fried chicken. That was just too much,I hadnt eaten alot of food in a while good thing we were at home. His mum understood when we ate less. We chitchatted had fruits and later cups of turkish tea. Spoke with his sister who now resides in Denmark. Mum narrated her encounter with Somalis in denmark. Was hilarious and at the same time heartaching. Crossing my mind were the words if only...., people have the opportunities but yet the youth dont use them. A shame really. Ah, a story for another day.

We stayed up all monday packing,burning Cds/DVDs had freinds over for a farewell dinner. Was one hectic day. tuesday 4.am in the morning took my housemate to the airport. Checked her in, said our goodbyes. Strange it was. We hugged each other casually as if we knew we will met each other again. And yet once she crossed the security lines when it hit me and her, our path may not cross again. Why didnt we show our true emotions then, say I love and will miss you. I remember she saying I dont want to cry at the airport, dont want tearful goodbyes. Did I cry?,Yes, a couple of tears, one after the other dampening my cheek, happy yet sad waving at her and she waving back. There was a man standing by me, he also waving to his loved ones. He stopped, turned and addressed me, "your sisters leaving?" Smiled, saying" yes, you can say that, she is my freind but we are sisters for 7yrs we have been together." "She going home?" "Sort of a trip then going home" "Will you see each other again?" "Maybe" "Your a student here right?" "Yeah, we both were, we are doctors now" "X uni ?" "No, Y university" "So you going to practice here?" "No, weve got responsibilities awaiting us back home""Thats good, good to practice back home" "Yes, I said while wiping another tear.""Well, good day and good luck to you." "Thank you and good day to you"the conversation ended.
I stayed in the airport till 8am, thats when the shuttles were supposed to start working. Unfortunately, there was a delay left the airport at 9am, Im glad I had my cellphone and a book to keep me company.Reached home around 1040 had an appointment at 1130, called in and rescheduled it. By 11am I was tucked in bed. What a morning, it was cold. Standing outside at the airport*shivering, at the thought* waiting and trying to enquire for info regarding the shuttle didnt do me good.

Havent been out since tuesday, in the house organising, throwing things away, sorting things to be written down or scanned.Keeping my moral up listening to Music, Quran and Islamic lectures and on few occasions going online chatting with few freinds and family.Been on an anti social mood, switched off ?? or put it on silence my cellphone for a while. Missed my housemates presence, our dinners together(when she is around I can feel like cooking, lost me apetite), miss listening to her humming some taarabu tune and making fun of me. Played some taarabu tunes yesterday, was a bit releiving. Cleaned up her bedroom, and that made it worse again. Ended up reading, and jolting down notes to get her out of my mind . Depressing few days and the weather isnt making it easier especially when you look out the window thinking its 7pm and you realise its 4pm and still more to come. Winter, depresses all gloomy .With all the lights on, its still dark :(Would have loved to go out on a stroll but dont have the willpower to go outside. Miss the early morning sunrays, the voices of the chirping birds. Alhamdullilah, its not that cold yet. More dark, wet and cold days to come. Got to brace myself and keep my spirits high.

Guess in those few days I lost myself too, Im back on track again. My priorities.........

Natamani, natamani,...................
Tutaonana

Choices

2005-11-18T12:54:00.000+02:00

I couldnt sleep last night stayed up till around 5am. Why? Guess Im a loser, thats what my sister would say. Sat in the living room went online and same time watched Tv. Only chatted with 3 people one being my mum, other 2 sister*special ones*. What is becoming of me?

Why is it that opportunities or doors you have let closed for unlimited time suddenly open at the same time? In such a way it confuses you? Not knowing which way to turn or follow? I still cant handle these emotions? feelings? are they true. Is it worth a try or should I just continue with my normal work, like a heartless machine? Sad aint it. At times I pity myself, been brought up a perfectionist a God fearing person, when I do wrong my heart gets heavy and I dont forgive myself easily can feel guilty for a long while. I can easily forgive others, and overlook their flaws but my own, hmm, No .Oh, God help me find my way again and choose the right way out of this maze. Some may suggest that experience is important and without giving something a try how you going to know but I still beleive if I can avoid unnecessary hurt, anger, frustrations wouldnt it be better. Why do I have to have bad memories?bad experiences and feel guilty when from the beginning I know its against my grain. Why cant Ihave good ones? Ive been patient all these years, for what then? We all have a heart, I know Ive got a fragile one thats why I dont play games, keep myself in a coccoon, hidden in a safe place and because of that I fear hurting others. Guess Ive got alot to learn about my emotions.

Well gotto go. Campus here I come. Argh still raining outside. Take my book with me n read it on the way, empowerment of women. Yeah, right!
Peace

Caught in the rain.

2005-11-17T21:39:00.000+02:00

Woke up with the sound of the wind, wailing like a girls shriek. Weee weee Hee heee, scary really. A sign that winter has set in. Our winters are rainy ones reminds me of England. Today there was no perfect dawn instead there were dark clouds, all gloomy. I opened my eyes and looked out the window, waiting anticipating that maybe a ray of sunshine will fall and brighten my face. Apart from the shrieks which made me feel uneasy nothing happened. Ah, got up wishing I could stay in bed.

Got myself a cup of coffee and started my daily activities. Searching for health info wasnt easy. Guess most of the information are still stored and staked in files somewhere. Couldnt find anything on how to register back home. Found websites of some Med Uni and affiliations. I was suprised to know that the medical council still holds the name of Tanganyika, more than 30s years they still using that name. Wonder how do the Zanzibaris think about it? Ministry of healths website wasnt appealing either. Guess Ive got to hit the library and search up WHO publications.

Been drizzling all day. Decided to put on my raincoat than relying on the usual umbrella, we usually have some strong winds too. Remember last winter in less than 5 minutes while waiting for the bus I got wet upto my waist. :) . In Africa I would have been hearing the sound of the drops falling on the metal roof tops and see kids running n playing in the streets shoeless with big grins on their faces. *memories* Waited for my bus and went to visit my anatomy teacher. Discussed my elective and Africa. It ended up sounding like a sales girl pitching Africa as a commodity ;). Why is when I say Im from Tanzania people jump and say Tazmania. I know everyone loves the Tazmanian Devil , Taz but hello !!... we are talking about two different continents!!! Arent there are any geography students out there? Dropped some books at the library and picked up two other books. Boring titles one a statistic book (Ive convinced myself Ive got 2 master SPSS before I head back . Used it in my Public Health rotation hadnt had the time to learn more) and a book titled Empowerment and womens Health. Had to escape from our librarian she already getting all emotional over me leaving" Why dont you stay? We will get you a Turkish groom. Ive got so used of you... " Kissed her two cheeks and left, saying Im still around.

Took a bus and headed to Balcova(5 busstops from my uni), visited a bureau de change then went to pick up my freinds snaps. On the way back picked up some fresh groceries and headed back home. I used to live here some 3 years back, crowded place bustling with life. Alot of the elderly and kids walking the streets. People sitting in their balconies talking with their neighbours across the street. In summer I remember I couldnt study coz of the noises of the kids playing in the streets and of the neighbours catching up with their gossip. Its already hot to concentrate and with the noise I used to feel like screaming. My housemate at that time used to go outside or shout throw the window, the kids would decrease their racket then after 30 minutes, its as if nothing happened they go back to their world. *smile* At time I used to sit and watch them through the window and wish I was playing ball with em instead of flicking through my books.

Reached home accompanied by the sound of thunder and the occasional lighting. Called the gas company as I realised that we have run out of gas. Why is when your hungry and all psyched up for it the gas runs out? Buggers will take ages to come. Called abo as he didnt know of my plans. He had already done the ground work where Im supposed to apply and all.*relieved* Poor paps, was done with the flu himself, Inshallah he still wants to visit me again before I leave. Hope he does though I teased him why doesnt he send me his fare money so I can pay for my extra cargo ;)kkk. Inshallah kheir, he is growing old. Love him. Now reflecting I noticed he hadnt teased me this time or shared a joke, very abnormal he most be sick. Mungu akuaafu Mzee na akupe umri, uone wajukuu :) Amin.

Tutaonana kwenye maajaliwa.

Moods

2005-11-16T22:34:00.000+02:00

Been down, why? dont know, I know its ungrateful should be grateful that Im alive n kicking. Im not hungry nor stranded in the cold. But I just cant help this feeling. Spent the day at home, started to go through my belongings. Tried to lighten up my spirits by goin online but after a while it came back. Prayed for my soul, listened to my favorite recitor and yet still there. Guess its the worry not knowing what Im going to face and seeing that its ending.Every little peice you go through brings back a memory or two. I sat there on my praying rug reflecting wondering what can I do and whats expected of me. Sometimes I think Im beating myself up for no reason. Ive accomplished my goal, should be happy. Been away from the society, forgotten how to socialise and act my age and whats the norm back home. Other responsibilities will set in too. Got to accept that. Been a student for to long and being in a foreign country didnt help made us even more antisocial. Except for a few freinds we trust we create a barrier when we meet people. We are receptive and interested in learning the culture but in the process dont want to lose ourselves. Ah, want the old me back, the realist.

In the evening while going through my things came across a peice of paper on it had my paternal family tree. I havent yet been able to memorise it never seen the need though I know when you met somalis amongst the first few questions they ask u of your tribal ties. Ah, now as Im going back home, will it become handy?? Isnt being human enough to relate? For 7yrs hadnt added a thing to my life. For the rainy day, typed it down n stored it on my laptop. Out of the blues thought of my granma(ayeyo) , guess her family tree will be different, could ask her about it. Remember she used to say she had more relatives n stuff. Ive got alot to learn about my heritage. So picked up the phone and called spoke with my edo said ayeyo was asleep, hadnt been well, poor soul.They will call me back, IA. Went back to my stuff, typing down imp. info n storing them. After an hour they call, "Hear my mum called" , she teased me ;)couldnt come around to ask her about her family history, instead we talked of her health, her missing the african warmth and IA the two of us met in Tz. Im looking forward for the day we will sip cups of shaax and listening to her childhood stories. We chitchatted then she said a prayer for me and we parted. God bless the man who deviced the telephone, in a fragment of time your with yourloved ones and nothing else matters as that oment is all yours.
My landlord called at last but he also left me in a dilemma. Ah, need to be patient. Hope all goes well.
Had dinner, flipping through TV channels came across a funny movie. I love martial arts but this one was just wacko KUNG POW. I just sat there fixed, u just cant stop laughing at the moves and language used. Ever heard of making a kill while listening to Mc Hammer? or A man getting a beating from an udder? Lol, there were even scenes similar to Matrix and Independence day. I wasted my time really but the lines in the movie was just funny.
News as usual is depressing. Wonder sometimes how would africa had responded to a pandemic like Avian flu? Would a whole continent be wiped out? Ah, enough.

My message of today was regarding no compulsion in religion. let man choose his way,let logic n reason rule. Cool.
Habeen wanagsan

Surprises

2005-11-15T19:52:00.000+02:00

Woke up with a good mood, a new day, new beginning, Had already planned my day ahead. Had an afternoon appointment with the lady responsible for my elective,I was going to met dr.X and sign the attendance every tuesday n thursday.I took an elective in anatomy (basic science)this year, why? I needed free time so that I can slowly start packing and organizing myself God willingly in 2 months time Im heading back home and also start a research on matters pertaining my home country,*dont want to be a fool , not knowing the health problems there* For 7 years been away, and now its coming to an end have to make up my mind what I will be taking, what needs to be thrown away and what will be handed down to others. Also need to call my landlord, need an answer to a pressing qn. He promised to call yesterday but he never did. Anyway, grabbed myself a cup of coffee and dont knowing why and for what particular reason went online. To my surprise I received a recommendation letter which had me smiling all day. My first reaction, this must be a joke but wasnt.Lol. Wow, small things can have a huge impact in a persons life. JZK for the moral boost. I stood there with a smile on my face not knowing how 2 react. My housemate came over with the "what is it that ,makes u so amused?"look on her face. She read it and said neat then left me in peace. As I didnt know how to answer back yet, went offline n caught up with my daily work.

Called my landlord more than 3 times the operator gives me the same excuse he is in a meeting. And yet he hasnt called me back. Angry with him :(and as they kept on with the" call after 30 minutes "... then later ah, "he will call u". So was kinda stuck in the end I left for my appointment and was late ;(Didnt matter anyway as the person in charge wasnt there, signed the log and left. Passed by the bank deposited my rent. Went to visit some of my lecturers as Im slowly accumulating letters of recommendations and starting saying the goodbyes. My moral was down, as I hadnt acheived one of my goal*most important one*, wonder how will I get hold of the landlord? Shouldnt have paid the rent then he would of called me for sure. Anyway, was too late. To lighten up myself felt like eating some lahmacun, there was this nice place where they make em but didnt want to go alone. So called my housemate(she was busy allday sorting out her stuff 2, she is leaving in a weeks time, gonna be all alone*sad*) see if she was interested ,she told me she had cooked. With a sigh, decided to head down to the supermarket to pick up some groceries bearing in mind that I didnt want to miss my bus. Reached home right in time for maghrib prayers and later had dinner together. Caught up with my random reading,suratil maidah:104-115. Later came online chatted with freinds, had a laugh was in a jovial mood again. And chatted with ma, for ages she took me down memory lane and her inner thoughts and advice. She made me miss her bigtime, Nakutamani ma sana, usilie mpenzi. May Allah increase her in patience and give her happiness on earth and in the afterworld. I admire her determination, tolerance, compassion and character. Im nothing compared to her although alot of people say we have alot in common. Opps enough said, getting to personal.
Love you ma, May Allah protect, love,honour and be merciful to all mothers. They do go through thick n thin for us, Pray oneday I will be a good one too Amin.

My thoughts .... treasure your mother, there is noone like her on earth. Its true she is the door to paradise seeing that smile on her face, melts your heart and her prayers they reach far and are answered. She is a pillar of support, an advisor, consoler, teacher and very patient. Jamani nani kama mama? Nakupenda.

I cant sleep.

2005-11-15T03:26:00.000+02:00

Who is to blame? The price you pay when you oversleep. Should be tucked in bed by now its 3.30 am. Ah, well will try to lay down again later. Problem is Ive got resposibilities tomorrow.
Been reading the Quraan and some verses of Suratil AL Imran (3:99-105)shook me. Why? they reflected the current state of affairs of the world.The muslim world has become so divided and because of that the society cant function as one. Instead of giving each other a pat on the back and pulling up the unprevilidged what we see is people being given the blind eye treatment or are riped off or minimal assistance is given to the underdogs. Those in power support each other and the followers due to personal reasons do what they deem right.Bringing chaos and unsatisfaction and the worst part is people using religion as an excuse. While the book we adhere to has openly warned us of our wrong actions. You just need to read and correct yourself and advice others. Woe to us.
What makes a community, functional? What are the necessities to secure the objectives are reached? What happens when the goals arent reached? How does the community deal with failure, discontentment and anger? I cant answer these questions but thats what comes to my mind. Will there ever be harmony and peace? Love prevail. Dont know, but would love to see that day when unnecessary bloodshedding stops, and people can walk without the fear of being assaulted or abused. Where doctors dont have to deal with patients mimed with sharpnel, landmines, knife wounds, burns, psychological trauma and instead deal with preventive medicine and the general wellbeing of the community.
I better stop dreaming, and lay down my head.
Usiku mwema.

Starters

2005-11-14T16:34:00.000+02:00

Hi, salaam, habari,merhaba, sii waraan.

Im new to this idea of posting my precious personal thoughts online. I will miss picking up my pen and writing down my thoughts, my poor diary will be missing me. Time has come to depart I beleive. Will store it for memories sake.
Where do I start? where do I begin?
Its another beautiful day, a monday for once took the day off. slept and feel fresh. Did I deserve it? Yes, was needed. Looking at the state of my house need to do some cleaning up. Spent the weekend going out for a change. Felt like I was on holiday. Havent felt this way in ages ;). Its a shame though winter is slipping in sooooo fast its already dark outside and havent done much all day than visiting lala land. Well better get moving, precious. Time is tocking away.
Today is my sisters birthday, wish I was around her give her a long deserving hug. Miss her tremendously, we were like cats n dogs while growing up , hehe. Still cant understand why maybe coz I always wanted her to follow the rules or was it my way?? I thinks the price you pay being the eldest, trying to perfect your younger siblings :)she turned out fine. Dont we all ,*smile*Anyway the good thing we always saw sense in the end, come to a compromise n peace prevails. Now although we are separated by thousands of miles, she is still the one I look forward to talk too and get a good laugh and an honest opinion. God bless her. Gave her a call, she had my ribs aching again with her funny wisdom. Miss you sweetheart and love you dearly.
Guess this is enough for now. Got to get moving, Dont want to get caught in the rain, hehe Dionne warwick song I always get caught in the rain is playing and Im feeling it.

au revoir