Choices

I couldnt sleep last night stayed up till around 5am. Why? Guess Im a loser, thats what my sister would say. Sat in the living room went online and same time watched Tv. Only chatted with 3 people one being my mum, other 2 sister*special ones*. What is becoming of me?

Why is it that opportunities or doors you have let closed for unlimited time suddenly open at the same time? In such a way it confuses you? Not knowing which way to turn or follow? I still cant handle these emotions? feelings? are they true. Is it worth a try or should I just continue with my normal work, like a heartless machine? Sad aint it. At times I pity myself, been brought up a perfectionist a God fearing person, when I do wrong my heart gets heavy and I dont forgive myself easily can feel guilty for a long while. I can easily forgive others, and overlook their flaws but my own, hmm, No .Oh, God help me find my way again and choose the right way out of this maze. Some may suggest that experience is important and without giving something a try how you going to know but I still beleive if I can avoid unnecessary hurt, anger, frustrations wouldnt it be better. Why do I have to have bad memories?bad experiences and feel guilty when from the beginning I know its against my grain. Why cant Ihave good ones? Ive been patient all these years, for what then? We all have a heart, I know Ive got a fragile one thats why I dont play games, keep myself in a coccoon, hidden in a safe place and because of that I fear hurting others. Guess Ive got alot to learn about my emotions.

Well gotto go. Campus here I come. Argh still raining outside. Take my book with me n read it on the way, empowerment of women. Yeah, right!
Peace